Questioning everything September 25, 2011
Posted by cjp in money money money, musings, the strawberry sprite, WTF am I thinking.3 comments
I realize I’m just in a bad space after AF showed up early but I need to get this out, so excuse me while I emotionally vomit all over this post.
I feel like I just set $700 on fire this cycle. Looking forward, at my age, who’s to say that I shouldn’t just set all my money on fire right now and get it over with? Why am I not competent at long term relationships so that I could have married and had kids in my 20′s and happily stayed that way forever instead of waiting until my mid 30′s and then settling for whatever came along just because everyone was pressuring me to do it? Why didn’t I just listen to my initial thoughts about how I envisioned my life, long term, in my early 30′s and just go solo down the parenting path from the beginning, starting then, instead of racing the clock now?
Then again, if I had done all that, the Sprite wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t undo a single one my bad choices for anything for that reason alone. And further on that note, I already have one beautiful child who I love more than anything. I’m already so SO blessed. With every fiber of my being I am aware of this every moment of every day. So why can’t I just feel happy with that? Why do I feel the need to try this instead of focusing on him alone? What if this IS successful and it changes the amazing dynamic the Sprite and I share? What if he hates me and his new sibling for it?
I realize this has only been one cycle. ONE cycle. Seriously, me? I’m a bit caught off guard by how emotionally draining this month has been with the diet changes, the acupuncture, the waking up at the same time everyday to take my temperature, the wondering, the constantly thinking about things. After only one month I’m already spent. I look at all the women I know who struggle(d) with IF for years and I am just in awe and dumbfounded by their strength and resolve to go through this and so much more for so much longer. I kind of want to kick myself in the teeth for even whining about this right now and, so now, I’ll just shut up because my problem, for the time being, is just impatience and fear of the unknown.
If you read this far, thank you. Just getting it out feels good. And now I’m going to put on my big girl pants and get the laundry done and take a shower. Please disregard the crazy lady in the corner.
