Food for thought September 26, 2011
Posted by cjp in Uncategorized.1 comment so far
In the short time since I began this journey, two stories involving sperm banks have broken in the national news.
The first story raised serious and legitimate questions about sperm donation and the lack of regulations on how many children one man should be allowed to father via donation. It did make me stop to think. And I do have an opinion on this, but it’s better served for another day.
Then, shortly thereafter, a second story broke about sperm banks turning away redheaded donors, for supply and demand reasons, because, you know, no one in their right mind wants soulless, ginger children. That one made me stop to wonder if it is expecting too much to think that the adults of the world would have moved past the third grade, playground taunts of redheaded woodpecker and freckled faced freak. Then I roll my eyes because I am damn proud to be a redhead and wouldn’t have it any other way. You know you covet my hair color.
After taking some time to reflect, I have reconciled these two newsworthy concerns as follows. At least I can rest assured that my soulless, ginger children won’t have an extended half family that puts the Duggars to shame. Problem solved!
Questioning everything September 25, 2011
Posted by cjp in money money money, musings, the strawberry sprite, WTF am I thinking.3 comments
I realize I’m just in a bad space after AF showed up early but I need to get this out, so excuse me while I emotionally vomit all over this post.
I feel like I just set $700 on fire this cycle. Looking forward, at my age, who’s to say that I shouldn’t just set all my money on fire right now and get it over with? Why am I not competent at long term relationships so that I could have married and had kids in my 20′s and happily stayed that way forever instead of waiting until my mid 30′s and then settling for whatever came along just because everyone was pressuring me to do it? Why didn’t I just listen to my initial thoughts about how I envisioned my life, long term, in my early 30′s and just go solo down the parenting path from the beginning, starting then, instead of racing the clock now?
Then again, if I had done all that, the Sprite wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t undo a single one my bad choices for anything for that reason alone. And further on that note, I already have one beautiful child who I love more than anything. I’m already so SO blessed. With every fiber of my being I am aware of this every moment of every day. So why can’t I just feel happy with that? Why do I feel the need to try this instead of focusing on him alone? What if this IS successful and it changes the amazing dynamic the Sprite and I share? What if he hates me and his new sibling for it?
I realize this has only been one cycle. ONE cycle. Seriously, me? I’m a bit caught off guard by how emotionally draining this month has been with the diet changes, the acupuncture, the waking up at the same time everyday to take my temperature, the wondering, the constantly thinking about things. After only one month I’m already spent. I look at all the women I know who struggle(d) with IF for years and I am just in awe and dumbfounded by their strength and resolve to go through this and so much more for so much longer. I kind of want to kick myself in the teeth for even whining about this right now and, so now, I’ll just shut up because my problem, for the time being, is just impatience and fear of the unknown.
If you read this far, thank you. Just getting it out feels good. And now I’m going to put on my big girl pants and get the laundry done and take a shower. Please disregard the crazy lady in the corner.
The bitch is back September 23, 2011
Posted by cjp in 2WW.1 comment so far
Not only did AF just show up, she’s a day and a half early. On to cycle 2.
11 DPO: do NOT poke the bear September 22, 2011
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The past three days I kind of feel like I really want to kick most people in the teeth. A few specifc people harder than others. I REALLY hope this moodiness is because I’m pregnant. Otherwise I’m going to have to face the reality that maybe I’m just a big ol’ bitch.
10DPO September 21, 2011
Posted by cjp in 2WW, Uncategorized.add a comment
I’m here. I’m here. Just tired of thinking about getting knocked up 24/7 so I’m trying to focus on other stuff as much as I can. It hasn’t been easy. I stare in the mirror at my boobs a lot and wish that I’d taken better mental notes about what they looked like before so I could tell if there is a difference now. I’ve been crampy as all get out and if I’m not pregnant, I want to know WTF is going on down there becuase there is no reason I should be that uncomfortable this early before AF, unless I am. I also woke up this morning so soaked in sweat that I had to change the sheets and you could see the stains on my shirt. Of course some one then pointed out to me that that was her first symptom when she was pregnant. I honestly, never thought about sweating as an early pregnancy symptom and never had them with the Sprite but apprently it can be and, given the hormone changes, it makes sense. SO…..
I POAS this morning and it was negative. Meh. It’s still really early so I’m not taking myself out of the game just yet. I’m not going to test again until Sunday if AF hasn’t arrived by then. I’ve got a very regular 25 day cycle and that’s when I would expect her to rear her ugly face. So, inquiring minds, tune back in then if you’re waiting with bated breath like I am.
groundhog day September 16, 2011
Posted by cjp in 2WW, musings.1 comment so far
Today fertility friend threw up the red cross hairs on my chart. They landed on September 11, which I guess would mean today is actully 5DPO, not 6DPO. I’ve been counting from the 10th when I got my first positive OPK. Now, if the 11th really is when I ovulated, I did not screw my timing up by inseminating too early, as I feared. If the 11th is when I O-ed, I actually got the timing exactly right.
Now, that said, I don’t want to get too hopeful. Now THAT said, all day today I have felt different. For a few days I have had the famous phantom symptoms, but today I’ve had for real stuff going on. Mainly I’m bloated as all get out and I’ve been cramping the better part of the afternoon. And the girls, you know, thing one and thing two, may or may not be a little bit swollen and sore. And about 5:30 today I was suddenly hit by a wave of complete exhaustion that left me almost unable to open my eyes, despite the fact that I had a perfectly full night sleep and pretty easy day today. Now THAT said AGAIN, I don’t want to read too much into anything. Even if I am KU, the miscarriage rate for women my age is somewhat alarming, and slightly below 50%. Even if I am, I’m not going to rest easy until 1. I make in through the first trimester and 2. the standard birth defect testing comes back healthy.
Anyway, that’s all I’m going to say about anything for now. For all I know, it’s all in my head and tomorrow they’ll all be gone.
5DPO: Looking forward September 15, 2011
Posted by cjp in 2WW, Knocking yourself up 101, money money money.1 comment so far
I can’t beleive it’s only been five days. It feels like it has at least been three months. But I’m not sweating it. Call it intuition. Call it emotionaly erring on the side of caution and not getting my hopes up. Whatever, but I just don’t think I’m pregnant. I would love to be wrong, but I don’t think I am.
Looking into the next cycle, I made another game plan. I originally scheduled an RE appointment with the doctor my OB threw out. Not that my OB highly recommended him. He just thought that office would be most convenient for me. I just haven’t been happy with my interactions with that office. I also wasn’t happy that they were mandating tests for infertility that aren’t necessary for me, in these circumstances, right out of the gate. Thus I tried at home and canceled.
Well, a discussionon a local moms board I frequent came up about REs in our area. Mostly it was contrasting two offices, the one where I’d originally had my appointment and another RE who has worked miracles for several of my friends. Someone pointed out that my orginal REs office is known to over test in the interest of making extra money where as the other option will look at each situation separately. It was enough for me to call the new guy.
Not only did I not have to wait 6-8 weeks to get in, they actually offered to let me come in the next day. Well since I’m in the 2WW, I didn’t want to do that, but I do have a new appointment set up for what would probably be CD5 if I am right and am not pregnant already. And yes, they’ll gladly do IUI the next cycle. Bonus points, they’re also considerably less expensive. The cost of doing a properly timed IUI with one vial will be the same price as at home ICI with two vials, in an attempt to ensure I don’t screw up the timing. Having dealt the the second guessing and uncertainty of at home for almost a week now, I’ve changed my mind and would rather put that back into someone else’s hands.
So, if I’m not knocked up, which I don’t think I am, I’ll be hoping to join the long list of Dr. S’s miracle baby moms.
4DPO: I heart IKEA September 14, 2011
Posted by cjp in 2WW, musings.1 comment so far
The beautiful thing about self employment is that you can chuck the morning, when there is nothing on the calendar, and play hooky. And that’s exactly what I did yesterday. I decided I was going to work at home, went to the office for a file, and on the way back home make an impulsive right hand turn and ended up at IKEA instead. I then ran into two of my besties there. Glad to know I’m not the only one who needs a meatball intervention.
I am in love with this IKEA children’s furniture collection. I want another child just so I can design a darling Scandinavian schmorgesborg of fun and delight. This is a perfectly legitimate reason to get knocked up, right?
3DPO: The wheels in my head go round and round September 13, 2011
Posted by cjp in 2WW, musings.1 comment so far
Well now I’m completely second guessing everything. Fairly certain my timing was off by one day on the early side. Already planning on trying again next cycle.
My chart itself is a disaster, since I was sick, but here’s the critical time period.
On CD11 I had a positive OPK in the am and a very low end low temp. I inseminated that afternoon and again twelve hours later. Between inseminations there was some spotting. Ovulation spotting or did I knick something sensitive? Can’t imagine what I might have knicked since I used only a cup, but who knows. I do usually have light O spotting that I didn’t otherwise see this cycle.
On CD12 I continued to have EWCM and my temp went up to the high end of my low spectrum.
On CD13 my CM was very thin but still a little EWCM-ish, and my temps were still in the high end of the low spectrum.
Yesterday, CD14, my thermometer flipped out and measured me as cold enough to be dead, immeadiately followed by a temp of 98 something but my CM started to dry up. I don’t know what to think, so that day is a wash, right when I needed it to be clear for me.
Today,CD15, I’m right where I should be temperature shift-wise and CM wise.
I’m now pretty sure, based on my own over thinking and analysis, that I should have done the deed on CD12, unless the spotting at the end of CD11 was indeed ovulation spotting, in which case the timing was perfect. Even if I Oed on CD12 I would be ok, but now I worry that I O-ed on CD13, in which case, most of the swimmers would have since died.
Oh good grief. There’s nothing to be done but wait so, please, give me something to do to take my mind off this insanity!
2DPO September 12, 2011
Posted by cjp in 2WW, musings.2 comments
Let the neurosis begin. Every little twinge, bump, creak, cramp, crack means something right? I promise to spare you all of my insane, wondering thoughts from minute to minute. Instead I’ll show you this.
If I get knocked up and have a boy, this is the bedding I’ll be buying. The brown & red plaid part, not the stuff with airplanes all over it. The plaid is nearly identical to the bedding in the Sprite’s room, except the Sprite’s stuff has bears and moose and cabins on it, and since we’d all be in our apartment for a while, they’d be sharing a room until we move into a house eventually. Maybe even then too.
Actually, if our apartment wasn’t on the fifth floor, I’d be happy to stay longer. It’s a great place with good space, but taking the dog out three to four times a day via elevator is getting a little old. It has crossed my mind to ask to move to a first floor unit if one comes open, though.
