Load off my shoulders October 14, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in giving birth, money money money, peace of mind, the hoofed one, the strawberry sprite.add a comment
Sorry to have been missing for a month. I’ve needed to back away and focus on some here and now things and in the process have founds some clarity in my world. I’ve made a decision. I am not going to birth another child. I can’t do it. While the risks may be small, I’m not willing to take them. If something were to go wrong what would happen to the Strawberry Sprite? I can’t even let my brain ponder all of the negative possibilities. I have a biological child already it it’s more important for me to simply give him a sibling than hope for (or against) another redhead with my crazy smile and neurosis. I’m also not comfortable with my ticking biological clock and feeling like I have to race to the finish line if I do want to have a biological child. And this not a hasty decision kind of situation.
So there you have it. I’m turning my eyes to adoption and taking my time. I’m not in a good position (not the kind I’d perfer to be in) to start that process right now and that’s ok. One of the things that appeals to me, more and more, is that there is not biological time line and, at any point, I can decide it’s time and make things look the way I envision. Boy or girl, age difference in relation to the Sprite, there is just not as much pressure.
In the mean time I’m getting some financials in order as an indirect step down the path. The hoofed one is for sale (know anyone in the market for a fancy show hunter?), and I’m looking at two different new construction communities in my current neighborhood with home floor plans that will allow my family to grow and expand. I’m hoping to go under contract by next summer. Once I’ve got the paper in hand and at least a frame to look at, I think that will be the time to seriously think about the details and make some more tough choices.
In the mean time, I just continue to soak up every last minute together with the Sprite and watch him grow and try to envision having twice the love.
Wishy washy September 14, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in giving birth, musings, where in the world is #2.3 comments
Yesterday, I took the strawberry sprite on a mountain outing to a delightful miniature town next to a lovely, babbling brook. As always the grounds were inundated with little people his age, running to and fro, frolicking in the fresh air, and squealing excitedly as they peered through tiny windows. As I sat, watching him on the playground, my attention was also focused on a birthday party just behind the slides. At first glance nothing seemed different from any other child’s party, but as the participants soon spilled into the sandbox I took notice.
The birthday girl was an adorable, petite six year old girl, slightly smaller than my two year old sprite, with Down’s syndrome. The majority of the guests were her friends and classmates from school. I worked in developmental disabilities case and home management, with both children and adults, for years and know, first hand, how amazing and inspiring Down’s children are. It made me smile from a very deep and special place in my heart as I watched them climbing and swinging and exploring the world around them. But it’s nearly impossible for me to separate myself from my thoughts these days so I also took note, from a different place in my mind. All of their parents were clearly older at least my current age at the time the kids were born.
I realize that the majority of women my age and older who give birth go on to have healthy pregnancies and birth healthy children. But, already responsible for the sprite by myself, I can’t help but think about the increased risks associated with being pregnant and giving birth after 40, the risks that the baby could have various, life long problems, the risk to my health that would preclude me from caring for the sprite. What if I suffered some complication that put me on lengthy bed rest? God forbid, what if I died? And the baby. Don’t get me wrong. If I gave birth to a special needs child, I would love him or her unconditionally, the same as any health baby I birthed. But am I able, willing or prepared to take on a special needs child? How would that effect the sprite’s world? Adding a sibling is hard enough, without having to focus even more attention on the new arrival and keep it there for life.
So many things to consider. So many unanswered questions. I knew this was heavy, serious stuff, but the more I process the magnitude of this decision the more overwhelming it is. As much as I want the sprite to have a sibling, there are moments where I feeling exceedingly selfish for thinking about becoming pregnant and putting everything at risk, all in the name of a biological child. I don’t fault other choice moms who feel it is the right decision for them, but is this really what I want? sacrificing nine months of my life and accepting the associated risks when there are so many beautiful children in the world who are already here and waiting for homes?
Know what I really want? A crystal ball with the magic answer. Or if that’s not possible, I would settle for not feeling like I’m having a different thought or emotion about this every 48 hours. That would be a start.
Looking forward September 10, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in Thank you for your support.2 comments
The “crisis” with the strawberry sprite was much shorter lived than I expected. But emotionally, it managed to take quite a toll in one short week. I’m rebounding, but in the mean time, I canceled and rescheduled my OB appointment for a couple of weeks later. I want to be clear-headed when I go in so I can ask good questions and process the answers and yesterday, that wasn’t going to happen. In general, my thought process on this whole family expansion has slowed down considerably as I readjust my brain and emotions and try to do some thinking about what I already have in my life and make sure that’s taken care of, first and foremost. I am still looking forward though.
In the midst of everything I somehow ended up talking briefly to my mother about my thoughts on a second child. I have an amazing support system of family and friends but sadly, I’m not sure I could say, on this issue, that my mother would fall into that category. She’s very straight and narrow and things must be done in a certain order. She tends to be a judge first, pay attention later to the damage you’re actually doing kind of reactor when it comes to anything not done by the book so, despite our seemingly close relationship, I don’t easily open up to her. Anything off the beaten path makes her uncomfortable and the concept of a woman conceiving, having and raising a child on her own is irresponsible, selfish, and unfathomable. Babies are supposed to be a by product of marriage. Period. Based on past history, involving her in this process, on any level, is emotional risky business.
I just generally mentioned, when the conversation naturally went there one day, that I had been thinking about a second child and her immediate reaction was Well you can’t do that by yourself. I tried in vain to let he know what my primary concerns were and it all went right past her. The entire conversation was pretty flip and off the cuff and lasted about three minutes, if that, so I doubt it’s anything that really registered in her mind. I got the impression she didn’t think I was serious. Sadly, her reaction was more positive and supportive than I had prepared myself for. At least there were no venemous comments. I’m pretty sure she would be more supportive if I decided to adopt but her opinion, regardless of what it is, wouldn’t deter me in making the decision I thought was best for me and my family when the time comes. This is my choice to make or not. No one else’s.
On the flip side, I’ve felt a bit overwhelmed by the amount of support that I have received since I came out with my musings. I didn’t realize just how many people I already know that are choice parents or single parents of more than one child. Their children are all blossoming and well adjusted and it gives me hope that I’m not crazy for looking down this path. When I first started my other blog, it was because I felt alone as a single parent. Now, nothing could be further from the truth.
Derailed September 4, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in all about me, musings, the strawberry sprite.2 comments
Some stuff involving the sprite happened on Thursday night, after I wrote and set for auto publish the previous post, that has kind of derailed my whole thought process and set me back both mentally and emotionally. It’s not something I can talk about but it’s heavy enough that thinking about adding on is just a ridiculous fantasy for the time being. It’s amazing how true it is that life happens while you are making other plans. Depending on how long it takes everything to play out the birth vs. adoption question may well be decided for me. We shall see. In the mean time all I can do is keep living my life and looking forward as I wait for things to pan out. If I’m not here daily, forgive me. I just need to stay completely focused on the one child I have in the here an now as opposed to any prospective one that may or may not happen and an unknown point in time.
Mom overboard September 4, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in all about me, musings.add a comment
I woke up yesterday morning thinking I was feeling better. Finally! I got as far as putting on my barn jeans and boots so I could go right out to see the hoofed one as soon as the strawberry sprite was safely deposited at preschool. The walk from to the car, a five minute drive, and the effort to get him into his classroom was enough to send me back into an uncontrolable coughing fit that left me winded and exhausted within moments. No physical activity for me. I miss my horse.
The beautiful thing about self employment is that I have a very flexible boss. With no specific work scheduled at all, just a quick ride followed by lots of miscellaneous office catch up, I made the executive decision to take myself home and put myself back bed and kick this crap once and for all… after a quick stop at the bookstore for something to read.
I made a disappointing, aside from a pumpkin spice latte that kept the wheezing at bay just long enough, stop at Barnes & Noble where I discovered that their very large parenting section contained a mere THREE books geared towards single parents. One things to consider before going it alone book, which is just what I wanted. One Chicken Soup For… which is just what I needed. And one memoir of an unexpectedly knocked up sinlge gal, which I had heard of, and figured would be entertaining if not informative. The lack of options, in this day and age when there are so many published works on the topic out there, made me grumble. But I bought a copy of each one they did have and then put four more on order. YIPE!
I’m not a big reader, find I don’t usually have the time, but with a day in bed wheezing ahead of me, coulped with my usual Friday night break from the sprite on the horizon I decided now was the time to get some in. Alot of some as the case may be. I figure if I buy and read every last single parenting book in existence, somewhere, the magic answer will suddenly pop out and scream, Here I am!! Or, if nothing else, I’ll have a new shelf full of books that will at least make me look like I’m making informed choices.
Taking a mental hiatus September 3, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in the strawberry sprite.1 comment so far
The strawberry sprite threw down the worst temper tantrum I’ve ever seen a two year old produce last night. It went on and on for a good half hour, complete with screaming, hitting, and grabbing and throwing any and everything he could get his hands on. All becuase I wouldn’t take him back to the store to exchange the elephant toy he picked out for a panda. After he finally settled down for dinner and his bath, and then peed all over my mother – hee hee hee - I tried to console him with this video. He loves pandas and thinks sneezing is funny so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Wrong. It scared the begeezus out of him and sent him back into hysterics.
Another baby? I can’t even think about it today.
Life times two September 2, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in giving birth, musings, the strawberry sprite, where in the world is #2.add a comment
For quite some time now, as I go about my daily routine, I have tried to envision what life would be like with one more in tow. An infant one more. Another preschooler. And older one perhaps? Trips to the grocery store, getting the strawberry sprite to preschool, afternoons at the soccer game or lazy mornings at the zoo. Sometimes it’s easy to imagine. Like when I”m laying in bed at night singing songs to the sprite or am curled up on the couch with him watching a DVD under a blanket and enjoying his snuggles, kisses, and offers to feed me pre-licked fruit loops. I can easily imagine making room for twice the love. It just makes so much sense.
And then there are moments like this morning and yesterday, when I wake up with a horrible cough, my chest is on fire, and my head feels like it’s going to explode. As the sprite runs screaming from me as I try to wipe his poopy bottom, wrestles me with the ferocity of a rabid Tasmanian devil while I try to dress him, and refuses to put his feet on the ground to stand up or walk I think about that level of frustration doubling and I know I am insane. Not just insane for contemplating a newborn, but adding ANY potential for more chaos in our home.
Today I’m back on the I want to adoptside of the fence, thanks to a variety of factors. Not the least of which is this lingering, horrible cold that has had me out for the count for going on day three. My pregnancy with the sprite was horrible. I was not a pleasant pregnant woman. Didn’t glow. Never felt some cosmic connection to the wriggling creature inside of me. I didn’t want the pregnancy “experience”. I wanted a child and pregnancy was a means to an end. And on top of that I was sick the entire nine months, puking, congested, exhausted. Quite a bit like I feel the last 48 hours. So I try to imagine feeling this way for three quarters of a year, robbing the sprite of his real mother, and my response is a resounding, NO WAY!!
But it’s always best to make decisions when you’re in a good space, which I most definitely am not. So I shall accept my flip flopping thought process as just another symptom of the crud and am not putting a much stock or value into the bad space I’m in, here and now. A final choice is quite a ways away so until that time comes, in a better, healthier frame of mind, never mind the crazy lady in the corner talking to herself.
Baby steps September 1, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in giving birth, musings.4 comments
Don’t make too much of it, but I called my OB and scheduled an appointment. I’m due for a visit anyway, but I have a ton of quetions that need to go through a professional before I can make any decisions about anything. My biggest concern in all the possible scenarios is deciding that I want my own baby, getting my heart set on that route, only to find out that it’s too late and I either can’t do it or it will take far reaching intervention to make it happen. I refuse to turn this in to a full blown fertility fight for my own peace of mind. But let’s be honest, at 39… I’ve made the mistake of getting on line and reading the stats. I’m staying way from that from now on but I do know what they say about moms my age. I just want to have good long discussion with someone who can answer all my quetions and, possibly, let me know where I am in the game at this point. With that knowledge, I can then make better, more informed choices. So, September 9…
Keeping things light August 31, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in Uncategorized.4 comments
Last night I had an extraordinarily vivid dream where in this man was the donor for my new baby. Apparently, in my sleepy little alternate reality, the entire Colorado Rapids team had taken on donation as their new community care project. Well then!! Now that we have THAT decided let’s get started!!!
pros and cons August 30, 2009
Posted by lilcyndiluwho in giving birth, musings, where in the world is #2.3 comments
Yesterday a friend came over to go “shopping” through the strawberry sprite’s out grown toys and brought her ridiculously beautiful, perfect eight month old baby girl. It made my uterus ache to watch her sitting, bright eyed and wondering on my floor, less than coordinatedly trying to put toys in her mouth and holding herself up on my coffee table only to lose her balance and plop down on her chubby little bottom. But just as often as I find myself lost in fantasies of sweet little newborn toes, fat rolls on tiny legs, and trusting, toothless grins, I also have serious doubts that I ever want to go through another pregnancy or deal with the the first year stress and exhaustion and I find myself switching back to adoption.
There are definate advantages and disadvantages to each option.
Pregnancy pros: It’s faster. By the end of this calendar year, I could be working with my OB to pick out a donor and start the ICI/IUI process. It’s my child. It’s biologically the N-Man’s half sibling. Despite the crazy insurance issues it’s less expensive. No one has to come into my home and look at me under a microscope and determine if I’m actually “fit” to be a parent and psycho-analyze my strengths and weakness and spell them all out in writing.
Pregnancy cons: I’m 39. I’m not going to delude myself that getting pregnant could present a challenge. I was a month shy of 36 when I got pregnant with the strawberry sprite and we did so pretty quickly. I know too much about infertility to know that may not be the case this time. Nine loooong months of pregnancy. I realize every pregnancy is allegedly different, but I didn’t particularly enjoy being pregnant the first time. It was a means to an end that I wanted to reach. Can I potentially be that miserable again and still take care of the sprite alone? What if I have a complication that puts me on bed rest? Those risks go up significantly at my age. And fast forward nine months, sleepless nightswith a newborn, followed by full days of work and shuttling the sprite to and fro. And one I’ll address separately eventually… what do you do with a donor conceived baby someday when they ask about their daddy? Now, I would only choose a bank that has open donations so that you have pictures of your doner and he has agreed to be contacted when the child is 18, but regardless, how does the complete absence or knowledge of a father impact them growing up?
It’s easy to let myself get instantly overwhelmed when I write it all out that way and just mentally rule it out. So let’s examine the other options, keeping in mind that if I adopt I’d prefer to go the international route.
Adoption pros: No pregnancy. Life just cruises along as normal until it’s time. A child who needs a home already gets one. I don’t have to rush into the process because nature is ticking along one day at time. I can adopt a child that is closer in age to the sprite. I can pick and chose, to some extent. Boy or girl. This one or that one. I can have more control over custom designing my family if I choose. (Although that “control” isn’t something I really feel I need.)
Adoption cons: It can take a really long time. It’s crazy expensive. I’d need a good extra year to get the money saved up before I could take that road. Having worked in child welfare as long as I have, I’ve seen too many disrupted adoptions and the thought of that terrifies me. I question whether I have the knowledge, ability, and support to raise an international child and preserve their cultural upbringing for them the way I think an international child deserves. (guess that depends on what country I choose, huh?) The major reservation for me… travel. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE to travel. But most countries require the adoptive parents to be in the country for anywhere from 3 weeks to two months. Or make more than one trip. I don’t think that it’s fair at all to the sprite to be left behind that long while mommy picks out a new baby, and it’s not really an option for him to come along that long, if my X would even allow it.
So that’s where I”m at on each issue. Frozen for now. Feeling a void but not certain what to do to fill it the least disruptive way possible for the sprite. And thus, as I said, I can guarantee there will not be another child in this house within the next year. Feel free to add your thoughts to any of the four lists.
